The Balamb Garden Takeover!!
by BEN
Summary: Balamb Garden is in a financail crisis, and in order to avoid any more trouble then they are in already, they decided to sell it in someone elses hands........but who.....NOTE; this is my first fict....please don't flame!


"Disclaimer, duh! Squall, Rinoa, and the other people who i mentioned in my story are not, and i repeat, ARE NOT mine! they belong to Squaresoft, while others belong to another company i ain't mentioning, cause it'll blow the story and the "dramatic finish". This might hint Capcom not to call me and make yet "another" STREET FIGHTER VS. WHOEVER THE HELL THEY WANT! I ain't making any cash at all out of this (which kinda sucks...oh well). So there, read my story my friends or foes or whatever, and flames will not be tolerated. The punishment is so bad, it's illegal in the Arabic community, and we know how bad THEY can get!   
  
  
The Balamb Garden Takeover!  
  
  
Once upon a time, in a far far far place(or for some, just 3 blocks down), A magical place called Balamb garden sits in a field of flowers, grass, plants, a other pretty vegetation that causes allergies. The Garden however, is having a little.....wait, a HORRIBLE financial problem. The electrical and water bill was over the roof(it started from the lower level up to the balcony), the inreach internet bill was huge(so bad they had to sell their pentium processor for mac's people!), sanitary things such as toilet paper, was substituted with pages of Weapons Monthly and Timber Maniacs(those corners were killer!!). The training grounds became their hunting grounds, cause it was all they could eat(who the hell knows what's in the hot dogs!). Some SeeDs decided to take jobs out of the garden to support themselves with food, drink, entertainment (and "addictions"). Such jobs they took were Burger King, McDonalds, Blockbuster video, crossing guards, bus drivers, and truck drivers among other things(your opportunities just open up when you've been taught how to use magic and KILL nearly all your life!). But it did nothing to help the financial delema that was going on in the garden.  
  
Squall, with his trusty group along with Seifer, made their way to Cid's office. As they got to the dull wooden doors(the big white pearly doors were sold on e-bay for a can opener), Cid opened the doors for them.  
  
Cid "Squall, Rinoa, Seifer, Quistis, and...ummm.....Yancy right?"  
  
Zell "Dammit, it's Zell!!"  
  
Cid "Sorry there lad, but that will be 12,000 gil into our swear jar!"   
  
Rinoa "So, watcha need there Cid? Help? No problem! Me and Squall will take care of it!! Huh Squall? See! Me and Squall are sooooo in love, tomorrow we're gonna get married and it's gonna be a huge blowout!! Squall promised that it will be beautiful, with flowers and cake and friends and...  
  
Seifer "Hmph!"  
  
Squall "Rinoa....god shut up! So, what went wrong now?"  
  
Cid "Have a seat, folks...."  
  
(Then Cid remembered, they sold the seats in their room for tampons for Edea when she was on a warpath during that "time of month!")  
  
Cid "Oh, ummm, let's sit on the floor!"  
  
Squall "So, like i asked, what the hell are we doing!!"  
  
Cid "I Shall begin as soon as you pay for that word."  
  
Squall "Sheesh, here!! That was my beer money!!"  
  
Cid "Thank you. Now, as everyone in here are aware of, we made in some rather unfortunate investments in the most unfortunate times. And as I promise, I shall take the blame for this unfortunate......"  
  
Seifer "Everything? Including your investment in the movie "Battlefield Earth?"  
  
Cid "Well, yes, that's true..."  
  
Squall "And your investments in the big comeback of Crystal Clear Pepsie?"  
  
Cid "Ummmm......."  
  
Quistis "And your investments in the braille issues of Girl Next Door? Which i must admit i was appalled....."  
  
Zell "Dude, shut up! Your just mad because you were in the first issue and you lost your SeeD rank cause of it!!  
  
Rinoa "Oh yeah!? well, um um, you were in the GAY Next Door last month you freak!!"  
  
(Everyone looked at Zell with disgust!!)  
  
Zell "Hey! I needed to buy a new toothbrush!! Cause Seifer used it to wash the only automobile we could afford!"  
  
(It was a Yugo, might i warn you!)  
  
Seifer "We were out of bathroom tissue!! But it wasn't me who was driving UNDER THE INFLUENCE......SQUALL!!!  
  
(Squall stood up. He wasn't going to take any crap from anybody! Why you ask? He is a mercenary from Garden. He's one of the best. He....is a SeeD!!)  
  
Squall "Hey, I only had a couple!!"  
  
Zell "Yeah, a couple of kegs man!! Sheesh, you could have at least kicked back with some too!!And we were supposed to go to the Golden Saucer, but NOOO!! You were so wasted driving this way and that way and passing out and vomiting that you got us stranded in this weird, creepy foggy quiet boring as hell town called Silent Hill!! And there was also this little girl who was 7 years old, short black ha....  
  
Quistis "God will you shut up about that!? Some guy in a brown jacket at a gas station kept asking me that!! Say, did Selphie ever came back....  
  
Cid "Ummmm, uhh no....now now, that's confidential, remember!? Not a word goes out to anyone!  
  
All "OK."  
  
(Everyone eased up. Zell went into his "PMS" mood.....why couldn't Squall kick back with some!?)  
  
Cid "Well, anyways, there's a reason why i brought you guys here. Actually, it's you, Squall"  
  
Squall "Oh great, now what!?"  
  
Cid "Well...."  
  
Squall "Let me guess; your gonna chicken out and leave the garden..."  
  
Cid "Well, yes...."  
  
Squall "And your gonna leave our financial problems to me o handle...."  
  
Cid "Ummm, well..."  
  
Squall "And finally, you expect everything to be ok and our money troubles will all go away with a pair of wings and we live happily ever after, RIGHT!?"  
  
Cid "Ummm, actually....yyyyyes."  
  
(Cid grew his pretty-damn-ugly smile, but hey, ya can't blame him!=)  
  
Squall "God!! I can't believe this!! Rinoa, get me a beer!!"  
  
(Little did Squall realize that...)  
  
Rinoa "Squall....ummm umm...your holding one."  
  
Squall "Oh.....no wonder Zell was eyeing me! For a minute there i thought that magazine got to his....."  
  
Zell "Just shut up and kick back with some, man!"  
  
Cid "Well, anyway, I need you to watch things over the garden for me Squall. Me and Edea have an important meeting to make."  
  
(Everyone, however eyed the plane tickets to Las Vegas in his pocket!)  
  
Seifer "Ahhh come on!!"  
  
Quistis "How could you...."  
  
Zell "Hey! Can I come?!"  
  
(Then, all of a sudden....Xu comes to the door carrying a scroll {they USED to use phones and e-mails, but the phone lines had to be used for Cid's clothesline}. She hands him the scroll{sheesh, can't they use a damn pen and paper!!}, and to the gangs much shock{Instead of Zell, who was eyeing Quistis' magnificent cleavage}he grew a huge smile on his wrinkled, Robin Williams face!)  
  
Cid "Everyone, I have good news. I have just received word that someone is interested in buying out the garden!!"  
  
Squall '{hicupp!} Huh?"  
  
(Cid smiled greedily)  
  
Cid "Yes!! Our woes are over everyone!! Now we can buy out everything we had to sacrifice for me...uhmmm i mean......  
  
(Cid stands up tall....for the first time in 10 years of his miserable life. His back cracks with the effort....but god dammit, HE IS THE HEADMASTER.....THE HEADMASTER OF.....BALAMB GARDEN!!)  
  
Cid "Oooooh, oh it hurts.....anyways, our troubled financial problems are now over everyone!!  
  
Xu "Sir, the sucker....oops, I mean buyer is here to speak with you and a representative for the students of Balamb Garden. He would like to work out some issues with you about the deal. He's waiting in the cafeteria with a few associates of his."  
  
(Cid squealed louder than a hot night with his wife{or student when she's out of town}. This day kept getting better and better!)  
  
Cid "Great! Me and Squall will be down there in a few minutes! I'll go get ready. Squall, why don't you go and meet them. Keep them company for a while. And please....MAKE SURE THEY DON'T LEAVE! THEY'RE OUR LAST HOPE!"  
  
Squall "{burp!} I thought WE were your only hope!? And why am I going down there!?"  
  
Rinoa "Umm, I know, I know! Cause you represent us, Squall! Right Cid?!"  
  
Cid "Yup. And Squall try to sober up there lad! Now if you excuse me, i must get dressed!! Yee-Haa!!"  
  
(Cid goes to his dressing room to change out of his gyshal pickles sack and into his only good shirt and only pair of pants....the monsters ate his other pair off the "clothes rack"!)  
  
Squall "God!! This sucks! I have to represent a bunch of idiots for some moron who's gonna buy off this dump!! Rinoa, gimmie another.....  
  
Rinoa "Nope, nope, nope!! Cid said you can't drink until they leave! Don't worry Squall, I'll stay by your side, I'll be wherever you need me, I'll....."  
  
Squall "God, shut up!! Alright...ummm, i guess i gotta go or something.....be back and stuff....."   
  
Quistis "I can't believe this! Finally, we can get things back in shape in the garden. So Zell, what.....Zell.....Zell?"  
  
Zell "........boobs.....Huh? Oh yeah! It's gonna......"  
  
*Smack!!!!*  
  
Quistis "YOU.....YOU PIG!!!!!"  
  
(An hour and a couple of beers later......)  
  
Cid "Ahhh, there they are! Our God-sends from the heavens. Let's make a good impression Squall, ok?"  
  
Squall "Huh?"  
  
(Cid, with Squall waddling behind in an attempt to catch up, meet the shady looking group at one of the exquisite tables in the cafeteria.......actually, they're cardboard boxed stacked up. Money issues, ya know!)  
  
Cid "Ahhhh, sir, how nice of you to see you today. Welcome to our fabulous school of Balamb Garden."  
  
??? "It certainly took you long enough!! And fabulous? Well, I guess I'll take your word for it."  
  
Squall "Trust me, I know how you feel. To the look of it.....  
  
Cid "Squall!!"  
  
??? "No. I'm interested in what the young man has to say. A little intoxicated aren't we?"  
  
Squall "Yeah. I *hiccup!* get shit-faced to forget about the money problem that's goin' around."  
  
Cid "Squall!"  
  
??? "Really!? I'm interested in this!"  
  
(Cid starts sweating more that John Goodman on a stage set. And yeah, it's that bad!)  
  
??? "No need to hide it. It's part of our business arrangement i have here. Please have a seat."  
  
(Cid sat down. Squall fell down.)  
  
Cid "Well you see....it would only be fair if i let you about the financial problem we have in garden...but we're taking care of it right now, and i have a sure-fire plan that will help us come out of the flames of debt and rise as a phoenix!  
  
Squall "yeah, and i'm getting married, hahahahah......oh.....aww man!"  
  
??? "I see...well, in any case, I've come here to talk to you about....  
  
Cid "Oh I know! Your here to buy off our exquisite garden."  
  
??? "And how much will this...*shudder*...exquisite place worth?"  
  
Cid "Well, it is using the most advance technology on the face of the Earth. Not to mention that....."  
  
??? "The price you fool!!"  
  
???#2 "Yes, you heard the boss!"  
  
Cid "Well, ummm, the ASKING price would be 100,000,000 gil. Remember, its the asking price."  
  
(??? laughed his head off)  
  
Cid "Well, i'm always open to hearing offers."  
  
??? "Indeed. Well, i'm not sure that's in my range...."  
  
Cid "Umm, ok, well, lets see your offer!"  
  
(Poor Cid, he grows balls at the worst moments!)  
  
??? "I don't know, I already took a look around the place, and of all things That should ever be condemned to hell....."  
  
Squall "Hehehehe *hiccup!* poor Selphie......  
  
Cid "But you don't know how much spirit this school has! The activities, the vigor.....the girls.......and if your that way.........the boys!"  
  
(Cid tilted his head toward Squall)  
  
Squall "Huh?"  
  
??? "You, *points to a women* give me a rundown."  
  
???#3 "Yes.......this place is terrible. People wine and complain all the time and always having sex. Stupid kids. Technology is horrible here. They use Mac!!"  
  
Cid "Powered by Windows 98!"  
  
(Cid smiled)  
  
???#3 "By Linux....."  
  
(??? gave a disgusted look....Linux? God, they've really gone too far!!)  
  
Cid "The food, yes the food! Such gourmet delicacies made in balamb have satisfied even the most stingiest taste buds! Here, why don't you try a dish! Squall, bring up the menu.....  
  
??? "No need, we already took a look at the filth you stuff in these children's stomachs."  
  
???#4 "No kidding, when I poked at mine, it bled like an artery....ewwwww!!!"  
  
???#2 "I had to shoot mine first before i could even eat it!"  
  
???#3 "You ATE yours!? Yuck!!"  
  
???#2 What were we supposed to do!? Wait here for an hour in complete boredom!? And besides, I only took one bite out of mine, and YOURS crawled out of your plate and ATE mine!! And the sanitation in the area! garbage all over the place, fungi in dorm. Hell, when i was in the bathroom, the mold was either trying to kill me or communicate!!"  
  
Squall "It's actually asking for a way out of this place. But thanks to the almighty mold, we have a new language course in our classes. Hehehe, *hiccup!*"  
  
(??? gave a nasty look at Cid....uh oh!)  
  
Cid "Ok, look. Let's get back to business, shall we? Now, how much are you willing to put into it?"  
  
??? "........lets see.....the undisciplined students.....the bills running about....the terrible food, if it's considered food!"  
  
???#3 "Not to mention that hideous smell! I can still smell it from here."  
  
Cid "Well, it must be the cafeteria."  
  
???#3 "No! I got a whiff of it from the roof!!"  
  
(Just then, the gang came down to watch in on what's going on....too bad, they missed the good parts!)  
  
Zell "Man Cids gonna blow it! Just like he did on Who Wants To Be A Gillionare!"  
  
Quistis "I told him to let me on the show! But no! And you want to know why? Cause I'm a girl, that's why!? I tell you, WE women will never get our share of that spot in the spotlight!! Nothing, never, and it's all thanks you YOU PIGS FOR RUINING OUR OPPORTUNITIES!! I HATE MEN, I HATE BOYS.....I HATE YOU!!!!"  
  
(Quistis lunged after the frightened Zell, but thanks to his quick reflexes and his training, Zell ran to the small cabinet and pulled out a bottle with a medicinal needle reading ONLY TO USE WHEN QUISTIS IS ON WARPATH, and got a good shot at her with the tranquilizer rifle....good shot, Zell!!)  
  
Quistis "I SWEAR, ONE OF THESE...DAYS....WE.......WOMEN...........WILL........KIIIUUUUAAAALL........"  
  
*Kur-plunk*  
  
(Quistis went down faster than Jimmy Ray's music career! And man, that's mighty fast!)  
  
Zell "Works all the time!"  
  
Seifer "So, chicken-wuss, what's going on? Are those old looking people gonna buy this dump or what?"  
  
Zell "Hell if I know! And quit calling me that..."  
  
(Then it hit Zell's head......to think, this will be the first time Zell used his head since...well, who the hell knows!)  
  
Zell "Oh yeah, well at least my girlfriend didn't take off with some lonely alchy-holic!"  
  
Seifer "Well, at least she didn't....ummm.......uhhh....CHICKEN WUSS!!"  
  
(Ohhhhhhh....good comeback!! =P)  
  
Squall "So, uhmmm, what the hell did you need the representative for the students for?"  
  
??? "Simple lad. We need your signature to confirm that you and everyone else will oblige to our new set of rules and regulations."  
  
(???#3 set down her carry-on and brought out a few pieces of paper.)  
  
??? "Now, you might want to go over it first, just in case you....."  
  
(Squall snatched the papers out of ???#3 and signs it.....)  
  
Squall "there, I'm going to bed. Wake me up when something cool happens...i guess....."  
  
(Squall wabbles away.......only to pass out in the elevator)  
  
Cid "Well, do we have an offer?"  
  
(??? took a sip of the garden's finest drink.....kool-aid. But hey! It's not expired like the lonely....yet mysterious jar of mayonoise that has been sitting in the refrigerator for.......who knows......)  
  
??? "Well, i'm going to make an agreement with you. I can tell that you have quite a bad money problem going on here."  
  
Cid "Well, it's not that big, you see....."  
  
(???, ???#2 and #3 looked around the cafeteria...and the meal they either ate or had to heroically fight off....the miserable faces of all those poor, poor kids.....the repo man taking the porta-potty out of the garden......the eviction notice on the bulliten board, which contained some rather colorful language.......)  
  
Cid "Well....it floats!!"  
  
??? "I'll tell you what. ???#3, get the suit case."  
  
???#3 "Boss, your not serious......."  
  
???#2 "Yeah, there's always that one company.....ummm. i think it was....called......uhh, Shit raw or something....."  
  
??? "Just get the suitcase......"  
  
(???#3 brought out the suitcase. She opened it, and to much of Cid's surprise...)  
  
Cid "Oh my god!! How much is in it!? It's so much!!"  
  
??? "Simple, we pay for your financial trouble, and we take the garden."  
  
Cid "Well....ummm, I...."  
  
???#2 "Think about it. No more creditors hassling you. The weight of all those bills off your shoulders, and do you honestly believe that your "last resort" there will help you?"  
  
(Cid's plan with "Las Vegas" ain't gonna help him one bit!)  
  
Cid "....I....."  
  
Zell "Man, I can't believe this! Is he really......"  
  
Rinoa "Oh no, oh no oh no!!!"  
  
(Cid was pinned in a corner...there was nothing he could do....)  
  
Cid "..............."  
  
(???#3 brought out another paper...)  
  
??? "Just sign here."  
  
Cid "Under one condition!"  
  
Quistis "This is it! He's going to stand up those creeps!!"  
  
Zell "Go Cid!!"  
  
Cid "You listen. You listen to everyone, and i mean EVERYONE in this garden! They will meet your expectations......but first, YOU must meet THEIRS!!"  
  
(??? #2 and #3 were shocked; Cid finally showed balls at the right moment)  
  
??? "Very well. Sign this."  
  
Quistis "Come on, let's stop him!"  
  
Zell "Forget it....it's too late"  
  
(Silence grew all over the Garden. Word got out too soon.)  
  
(Cid signs it...)  
  
Rinoa "..............."  
  
Quistis "............"  
  
Zell "..........boobs......"  
  
*Smack!*  
  
(Poor Cid. He's washed up, finished, obliterated, yesterdays news.....you get the idea. But before he left......)  
  
??? "And one more thing........"  
  
(Cid turned to face him)  
  
??? "Leave. Leave now. Don't ever come back."  
  
(Then, Rinoa got into ???'s face......ooooooh, things are gonna get really ugly here!)  
  
Rinoa "Who do you think you are, huh huh huh huh huh??!! Well, huh?! talk you..you.......MEANNIE!!!!!!"  
  
(The "meannie" heard all around the world.....serious, she squealed it so loud.......)  
  
??? "Hm hm hm hm hm....simple........."  
  
(??? and his comrades walked toward the door.......then turned.....)  
  
??? "I'm your new headmaster......"  
  
(??? gave a small smirk, then....)  
  
Squall "*hiccup!*, hey, what should we call you for now?!"  
  
??? "Simple.......Call me........"  
  
(DRAMATIC PAUSE!!!!!!!)  
  
(A LONGER DRAMATIC PAUSE!!!)  
  
(YET ANOTHER DRAMATIC PAUSE!!)  
  
Zell "Dude!! Hurry it up!!!!!"  
  
???#3 "*slap!* Stupid man, he's your headmaster, he gets all the time he wants!!"  
  
??? "Headmaster Liquid......"  
  
(Liquid Snake gave a smile to the group.....then walked away with his comrades.....)  
  
Squall *hiccup!*  
  
(So, what will happen to the garden. What will become of Cid? Where the hell is Irvine? Will Zell ever get laid? Will Squall ever take up that 12-step program that the court issued to him? Will Rinoa ever find out that she's pregnant? How will Squall take it? Will Quistis shut up!! Find out in the next chapter......."THATS YET TO COME!!" 


End file.
